Your relationship will naturally change as your child grows from a dependent youngster into an independent young adult. What worked when they were little—unquestioning obedience and sheltering them from the world—becomes less effective and can even have the opposite outcome. To earn and maintain your child’s respect through this transition period, research suggests moving on from certain parenting habits that can undermine your connection. Here are seven unproductive habits to leave behind.
1. Overprotecting and Sheltering
We all want to keep our children safe. But there’s a fine line between reasonable caution and overprotectiveness. Studies link overly sheltering parenting with increased anxiety and reduced confidence and capability in children. As they age, kids need chances to spread their wings, make their own choices, and even make mistakes. Exposing them to age-appropriate challenges and allowing incrementally more autonomy helps them build the skills they’ll need as adults.
2. Harsh Discipline Methods
Yelling, spanking, and imposing harsh punishments may force immediate compliance, but they erode your child’s trust and respect over time and become increasingly ineffective as children age. Punitive parenting is consistently tied to more defiance and aggression, not less. Positive discipline works better – clearly communicating rules and expectations and delivering consequences calmly and proportionately. When you explain the reasons behind rules, rather than just demanding blind obedience, your child is more likely to understand and cooperate.
3. Disregarding Boundaries
Everyone needs and deserves healthy boundaries, including kids and teens. Routinely violating your child’s privacy by snooping through their room or phone, oversharing embarrassing stories, or insisting on being included in every aspect of their life signals a lack of respect for them as an individual. Demonstrate that you value their growing independence by knocking before entering private spaces, keeping confidence, and allowing them age-appropriate autonomy.
4. Inconsistency with Rules and Consequences
Children thrive with consistency. When your expectations and responses are unpredictable or arbitrary, it breeds resentment and acting out. By contrast, steady, even-handed parenting provides a sense of stability. Your child knows what to expect and feels secure, even when disciplined. Aim to enforce household rules fairly and proportionately, following through calmly on consequences you’ve discussed.
5. Dismissing Feelings and Opinions
Tuning out or brushing off your child’s viewpoints and emotions tells them their inner world isn’t important to you. As they age, they need to know you hear and care about their thoughts and feelings, even when you disagree. Acknowledge their perspective respectfully before sharing your own. Help them label and navigate their emotions. These practices strengthen your child’s self-worth and emotional intelligence.
6. Comparing to Others
Continually holding your child up against siblings, classmates, or other markers of “success” emphasizes external status rather than individual growth. It can spark insecurity, sibling rivalry, and a sense that your esteem is conditional. Instead of comparing, appreciate your child’s unique qualities. Praise their efforts and progress to encourage a resilient, self-motivated mindset.
7. Refusing to Admit Mistakes
Parents are human. We get stressed, lose our temper, say things we regret, overlook things we shouldn’t. The key is owning up to it. When you mess up, offer a genuine apology. This models accountability and preserves mutual respect. It tells your child it’s okay to be imperfect and shows how mature people navigate conflict. Don’t let a fear of looking weak cost you credibility in your child’s eyes.
Case Study: Nora’s Wake-Up Call
Nora, a successful accountant and mother of two, had always prided herself on being a protective and involved parent. However, as her children entered their teenage years, she noticed a growing distance between them. Her once-obedient kids now rolled their eyes at her rules and withdrew from conversations. Nora’s attempts to regain control through strict punishments and monitoring only worsened matters.
Frustrated and concerned, Nora sought advice from a parenting coach. Through their discussions, she realized that her well-intentioned habits undermined her relationship with her children. The coach introduced Nora to the concept of authoritative parenting, which emphasizes clear expectations balanced with warmth and respect for autonomy.
Nora began implementing changes, starting with respecting her children’s privacy and involving them in setting household rules. Instead of reacting harshly to missteps, she focused on calmly explaining consequences and following through consistently. When conflicts arose, Nora made a point to listen to her children’s perspectives before sharing her own. She also owned up to her mistakes, apologizing when she fell short.
Gradually, Nora noticed a shift in her family dynamic. Her children began to confide in her more, seeking her advice rather than avoiding it. While they still had disagreements, they could navigate them with greater understanding and maturity. By trading control for connection, Nora found she had gained something far more valuable – her children’s enduring respect and trust.
Key Takeaways
- Parents should adapt their parenting style as their children grow older to maintain a mutually respectful relationship.
- Overprotecting and sheltering children can lead to increased anxiety and reduced self-confidence.
- Harsh discipline methods like yelling or physical punishment erode respect and are linked to many behavioral problems.
- Parents should respect their child’s boundaries and need for privacy as they mature.
- Inconsistency in enforcing rules and consequences creates confusion and resentment in children.
- Dismissing a child’s feelings and opinions can make them feel unheard and disrespected.
- Comparing children to others can damage their self-esteem and breed resentment.
- Parents who refuse to admit mistakes or apologize model inflexibility and arrogance.
- Effective parenting balances clear expectations with emotional warmth and support for autonomy.
- Phasing out counterproductive habits lays the foundation for a lasting bond of mutual respect.
Conclusion
Ultimately, sustaining a respectful relationship with your child as they get older comes down to moving away from controlling or indulgent extremes. The sweet spot is an “authoritative” parenting style that balances clear, consistent expectations with emotional warmth and support for their autonomy. Parenting in this responsive, communicative way takes patience, self-awareness, and flexibility. But by phasing out these seven counterproductive habits, you lay the foundation for an enduring bond of mutual understanding and appreciation that will serve you both well into the future.